A Look at What Matters Most by James Hollis PHD PART 1 -CH’s 1-3 Fear, Ambiguity and Soul Food

By Jennifer Boddaert

For my second book to blog about, I chose a book by James Hollis, who is a Post- Jungian psychologist,
because I had read some of his other works and found them to be very illuminating. I'm constantly amazed
by reading some of these post-Jungians because I can read a single page and find that I am getting more out
of it than most other psychology books. These are not pop-psychology 3-step program type books! The way
that post-jungians tend to tackle existential questions; they use a lot of metaphor and story narrative with
archetypal imagery, which is a jungian concept. It really brings to life the messages and ideologies they're
trying to convey in such a way that I think most people can get a lot out of what they're trying to say.

It's hard for me to know how to summarize the wealth of this information, but I will do my best going forward;
it will be a new challenge for me in writing this blog. Honestly, it would be better for you to read the book,
but maybe this blog will inspire you to engage it for yourself.

First before he digs in, Mr. Hollis leaves these intentions for us:

“I have no vested interest in our becoming saner, or mentally balanced, or even useful to society.
If you the reader find a neurosis that works for you, and gives others as a bonus, then ride it for all
it's worth. We are not sure to fit in, be well-balanced, or provide exempla for others. We are here to
be eccentric, different, perhaps strange, perhaps merely to add our small piece, our little clunky, chunky
selves, to the great Mosaic of being. As the gods intended, we are here to become more and more
ourselves.”

“We are all exiles, whether we know it or not, for who among us feels truly, vitally linked the four great
orders of mystery: the cosmos, nature, the tribe, and self?

This book is written most for those who suspect that they are in fact exiles. Because of the erosion of the
mythically connecting links to those four orders of mystery, the modern is driven to look within, to treasure
personal reflection, to recover personal authority in order to find a creative paths to the thicket of
our time... when we feel disconnected from the numinous, we either try anxiously to revivify the old
linkage, drift off into the blandishments and distractions of popular culture, or suffer a crisis of meaning
and are driven inward -whether to neurosis or privately encountered meaning remains to be seen.”

“As Jung observed in his memoir, Memories, Dreams, Reflections, life addresses  questions to us, and we
ourselves are a question. If we fail to observe, and engage in some form of cogent dialogue with the questions
that emerge from our depths, then they, and our ill-considered, provisional answers, will continue to operate
autonomously, and we will live an unconscious, unreflective, accidental life.”

CH 1- Shock & Awe: That Life Not Be Governed By Fear

"It is a bewildering thing that in human life the thing that causes the greatest fear is the source of the greatest
wisdom". CG Jung

Hollis says that as children we read or interpret the world, and internalize the direct and indirect instructions that
the world, or our parents, seem to give us.

Hollis implies that even though the worlds in our childhood were not necessarily a good, or perfect, environment
we continue to tell ourselves stories of how things are in the present based on this past because these are reflexes
instilled in our unconscious and driven by our fears.

“When we are off track... noisy demonstrations are held in the amphitheater of the body... Dreams are
invaded by spectral  disturbances... meanwhile, the timorous ego,... runs from these tumults, represses,
splits off, projects, procrastinates, rationalizes, diverts, narcotizes... Admits no faults,... will resist until
resistance is futile: depression debilitates,... addiction becomes too much,... shaming sense of sham no
longer may plausibly be denied…”

As I was reading this chapter where Hollis describes that sometimes we look at our lives and wonder “How did
I get here?”, I was reminded of the song by Talking Heads:

ONCE IN A LIFETIME

And you may find yourself

Living in a shotgun shack

And you may find yourself

In another part of the world

And you may find yourself

Behind the wheel of a large automobile

And you may find yourself in a beautiful house

With a beautiful wife

And you may ask yourself, well

How did I get here?

Letting the days go by, let the water hold me down

Letting the days go by, water flowing underground

Into the blue again after the money's gone

Once in a lifetime, water flowing underground

And you may ask yourself

How do I work this?

And you may ask yourself

Where is that large automobile?

And you may tell yourself

This is not my beautiful house!

And you may tell yourself

This is not my beautiful wife!

There are so many decisions in life on a daily basis and these decisions may or may not be serving our Soul,
or deepest sense of self, so we may have moments where we wonder what happened, most especially if you
come to crash and burnout because your body/mind starts saying no and shuts down.

Hollis states that part of the therapy is that "each must grant forgiveness and grace to the other, and hold steady
in the presence of uncertainty for a considerable time," and “all it takes to recover the integrity of our journey is
to recognize that fear itself is the enemy. Not others, not history, but plain old fear; our fears... only boldness
can deliver us from fear, and if the risk is not taken, the meaning of life is violated.”

“In the end we all fear two things... The fear of overwhelm and the fear of abandonment”.

“Ask yourself with every dilemma, every choice, every relationship, every commitment, or every failure
to commit, does this choice diminish me, or enlarge me?”

I think there is so much more to shock & awe, but Hollis knows that it all starts inside the self to reach a
point where our system is somewhat shocked and that our response needs to be awe & introspection,
instead of seeking to control, or we start our same neurotic cycle all over again. To some degree we need to
succumb to the Fates: not to what everyone else tells us to do, but what our bodies and souls are telling us.

CH 2 - Saving the Appearances: That We Learn to Tolerate Ambiguity

“As a species, we ill tolerate ambiguity, contradiction, or whatever proves uncomfortable, and that is what makes
the anxiety-fueled "fundamentalist" in each of us take over from time to time. When that nervous part prevails,
we violate the complexity of life, serve regressive strategies, narrow and diminish the journey life asks of us.”

“Protecting our persona, deflecting responsibility for our choices and their consequences, fitting in with collective
values all are means by which we seek to "save the appearances" and avoid the discomfort of ambiguity.”

Hollis reminds us that our ego will want to keep things as comfortable as possible, trying to order and organize and
plan everything so it makes sense. This is ok, it is merely the safety function of our ego to do this but, we need to be
careful to be aware of where our ego is taking over our soul and body needs and causing anxieties that do not serve us.

“Maturity and differentiated capacity of our personality depends on respecting ambiguity, without which
we would never grow, never question, never move out of the old certainties that once offered comfort, but
in time only ratify ignorance and oblige constriction. An ability to tolerate the anxiety generated by ambiguity
is what allows us to respect, engage, and grow from our repeated, daily encounters with the essential mysteries
of life. But the payoff goes even further. Certainty begets stagnation, but ambiguity pulls us deeper into life.
Unchallenged conviction begets rigidity, which begets regression; but ambiguity opens us to discovery,
complexity, and therefore growth.”

CH. 3 - Starving Amid Abundance: That We Consider Feeding the Soul

“It is my clinical experience that most of us do not have an abiding permission to fully claim our
own lives, sadly this means that we are often living in a fragmented, partial way. Our soul- that is,
our psyche - knows this of course, grieves, and presents us with those many protests we call symptoms.”

“The soul is an organ of meaning when life is lived in accordance with our psyche's intent, we experience
inner Harmony, supportive energy, healing confirmation, and we experience our lives as meaningful.”

Hollis tells of a man who, all of his life, had been run mainly by his early learned habit that others must come before
him: “Jordan has come to recognize the immense cost of his early code compliance, his collusion against his own soul,
and has recently been making large choices about his work life, his relational life, his spiritual life, and his a vocational
life. Just today we concluded that this man in his 60s must review every commitment, every old friendship, every
practice, and every summons, and say in a new way, "I will not serve that which does not serve me."this is not
self-aggrandizement, not narcissism; it is service to the soul. Finally, this man is learning to respect what he was called
to be, on his own.”

“Maybe all of us will learn to grapple with the paradox that living our lives more fully is not narcissism, but
service to the world when we bring a more fully achieved gift to the collective. we do not serve our children,
our friends and partners, our society, by living a partial life, and being secretly depressed and resentful. We
serve the World by finding what feeds us, and, having been fed, then share our gifts with others.”

One thing I am learning lately is that we must pay attention to our feelings and emotions. We should not
push them aside in order to do what “we must.” Instead, we must take a step back, take a break, listen to our
body, feel the feelings in our body, let what our soul is saying come into our mind, listen to it with curiosity and
honour. No matter where you are, at work, on the train, with a bunch of people, don’t lose touch with who you
are. You aren’t serving anything greater if you are denying yourself what you need. You must listen to yourself
to know what is a healthy need and what is an unhealthy need. Other people will tell you the way things
should be, but you need to know what you can and cannot do, and advocate for yourself. Stop saying “yes”
when you should be saying “no” (& vice versa).

“How often in therapy I hear people describe the fact that the values, or the venues, and which they have
invested their resources no longer provide satisfaction, no longer energize. They find themselves forcing
themselves to service what once seemed to make sense. One of the signs of the fact that the psyche moves
on, whether we will it consciously or not, is the appearance of boredom, ennui, loss of energy. When we are
doing what the psyche wants, the energy is there and the excitement is palpable. Of course it can be argued
that when we are in the full flush of a complex, such energy also supercharges our lives. But the key is to
monitor the presence of energy, symbolizing the activated psyche, over time. This discernment, this sorting,
requires paying attention to feeling states, to levels of satisfaction, to reciprocity.”

When we are nurturing our soul needs we will rediscover our energy and we will rediscover a sense of meaning
in our lives. No one else can tell you what your soul needs, you need to listen.

A look at Finding Flow: The Psychology of Engaging with Everyday Life by Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi Part 4 LOVING OUR FATE, SUMMARY & FINAL THOUGHTS

by Jennifer Boddaert

In Chapter 9, the final Chapter, Csikszentmihalyi tackles the idea of “Loving Our Fate”.
Here he indicates how culturally North American values have fostered Individualism
and Materialism that have eroded our sense of purpose or meaning in life. It has
fostered such disabling tendencies as disillusionment and lack of commitments.

He states that; “One cannot lead a life that is truly excellent without feeling that one
belongs to something greater and more permanent than oneself,” while also lamenting
the fact that much of our current mythical or religious ideologies are failing at
motivating the masses towards more fulfilling lives. He does touch on Buddhist
thought throughout this book though only flippantly giving it much credit by stating:

“The Buddhists have a good piece of advice as to how this can be done: ‘Act
always as if the future of the Universe depended on what you did, while laughing
at yourself for thinking that whatever you do makes any difference...’ It is this
serious playfulness, this combination of concern and humility, that makes it possible
to be both engaged and carefree at the same time.”

Csikszentmihalyi says the first step to finding this sort of mindset is to gain a clearer
understanding of one’s self, being careful to discern when we are acting in line with
ego, or impulse.

“Being without a sense of self, an animal will exert itself until its biological needs
are satisfied, but not much further...

The only viable alternative is to follow a less radical course, and make sure that
one gets to know one's self, and understands its peculiarities. It is then possible
to separate those needs that really help us to navigate through life, from those
malignant growths that sprout from them and make our lives miserable...

Ever since the Delphic oracle started giving the sensible advice ‘Know thyself’
some three thousand years ago, people who thought about these things agreed
that one must first come to know and then master the ego before embarking on
a good life.”

Csikszentmihalyi then attempts to argue how psychoanalysis has failed many people in
attempting to help them to be more aware by looking into the past and constantly
ruminating over it. He argues that knowing is not enough to help transcend and
learn to apply values to living a better life. To some extent I agree that Psychology
can improperly be utilized to such a degree that one gets “stuck” in the analysis of
things. It takes a skilled and more holistic practitioner to aid one towards affective
wellness. I dislike that Csikszentmihalyi attacked Psychology and his only follow-up
is to “focus more on the positives in your life” and to be more “future-oriented”, as
he himself has acknowledged that Happiness is not necessarily the final goal towards
a fulfilling life. While focusing on the positives is beneficial, it doesn’t necessarily
detangle the web of unconscious compulsions and subsequent repeating behaviours
that may damage our success in life. I believe Csikszentmihalyi is taking a very
modern perspective that ‘rumination’ is merely a negative activity that predisposes
one towards depression, whereas taking considerable introspective thought towards
one’s life is actually productive and not always negative. I think he would agree that
there is purpose in making an effort to be more aware, but insists on more proactive
psychologies designed to help one apply more positive change in one’s daily life and
aid towards success.

I myself have seen a rise in this sort of psychology in the past decade which includes
such modalities as Motivational Talk Therapy, Cognitive Behavioural Therapy and
Dialectical Behaviour Therapy, Acceptance and Commitment Therapy and Positive
Psychology. I believe these are very good “tools” for aiding certain individuals towards
this end, but I don’t believe they themselves are the key towards a whole therapeutic
success.

And Finally, Csikszentmihalyi insists that if we wish to live better lives we must be
responsible with our time and “to take ownership of our actions.” This is akin to the
Buddhist perspective of living with Mindfulness, and to Plato’s concept in his Apology;
“The unexamined life is not worth living”.

SUMMARY & FINAL THOUGHTS

To be honest I would have preferred to read a book about Mindfulness, Buddhist
thought, Existentialist Psychology or Ancient Philosophy. This book felt a bit cut off
and rambly. I didn't feel any astounding truths as I read it & often when reading
psychology books I do. While I read through this book fairly quickly, I didn't feel a
sense of "flow" from it. It didn't really provide answers on how to find flow for
myself, it merely described the author's own journey to find where flow has existed.
Much of these writings are my own extrapolation and attempt at utilizing and
expanding upon what he’s presented.

Instilled with male thought, I found it challenged more than empathized. Personally,
It didn't fully acknowledge or transcend for me. I like the concept of Flow and
observing the examples that exist in the world, but I still am left wondering if I can
ever find that for myself, sustain it in such a way that I can survive, and that
contributes to the world positively, before I die. At least in writing these articles I
have performed a process to savour and fully engage the material, and as for
some food for thought, here are some of my takeaways from FLOW:

FLOW INVOLVES:

-Work, as this is where it is most commonly found

-Both Unambiguous feedback and reward for the sake of engagement

-Having Goals and managing one’s goals realistically

 “The very act of setting the goal will take much of the sting out of a chore.”

-Challenges that match skill to stretch our skills, help us grow and to fulfill our
potential, an interest in solving problems

“the processes of growth resulted in fulfilling peak experiences. These involved a
consistency between self and environment; and he referred to this as harmony
between "inner requiredness" and "outer requiredness," or between "I want" and
"I must." When this happens, "one freely, happily, and wholeheartedly embraces
one's determinants. One chooses and wills one's fate."

-To control attention & have a sense of control. Be aware and make use of one’s
will power

-Being Aware of “How” you are engaging: your attitude, feelings & the effects
of your environment. Participate in the world on its own terms

“the love of fate corresponds to a willingness to accept ownership of one's actions,
whether these are spontaneous or imposed from the outside. It is this acceptance
that leads to personal growth, and provides the feeling of serene enjoyment which
removes the burden of entropy from everyday life.”

-Tolerating solitude in order to engage in mental work and active leisure, such as
hobbies

-Creativity & appreciating art (Which Csikszentmihalyi only briefly touched on) but
I believe to be important in recognizing our human condition and appreciating the
wonders of it, as well as learning to express ourselves and to engage in visual forms
of play. This can also be very therapeutic

-Curiosity, to be surprised, to learn new things

“I want to learn more and more to see as beautiful what is necessary in things; then
I shall be one of those who make things beautiful." Nietzsche

-Investing energy into Relationships, to empathize

-Appreciate religion / philosophy / psychology / myth as these are avenues for self
discovery and awareness and help one to also be attuned to the greater good and
something greater than one’s self

COMING SOON - a POST-Jungian opinion on What Matters Most

A look at Finding Flow: The Psychology of Engaging with Everyday Life by Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi Part 3 RELATIONSHIPS & THE AUTOTELIC PERSONALITY

By Jennifer Boddaert

While Csikszentmihalyi’s statements are often somewhat uninspiring, let’s be
sure to take what we can from the knowledge this brilliant man has researched
to see what insights we may find to help realign our focus more consciously.
Deeper into Chapter 7 “Changing Life Patterns”, we are confronted with the
other reason people find meaning in life: via Relationship. Isn’t this topic more
fun than work?

“A group of people is kept together by two kinds of energy: material energy
provided by food, warmth, physical care, and money; and the psychic energy
of people investing attention in each other's goals. Unless parents and
children share ideas, emotions, activities, memories, and dreams, their
relationship will survive only because it satisfies material needs.”

So the key to continued friendship is often having similar goals or interests that
continue to inspire you. Csikszentmihalyi’s Flow also consists of having goals and
a certain level of challenge with your skills so that you feel motivated and may have
a potential reward by exerting them. In friendship, I imagine those friends who can
be honest with you (while respecting your feelings) are going to be friendships that
deepen; this would indicate how an “easy relationship” where there are never any
fights or disagreements is not always the most rewarding relationship.

I know with my best friend when we get together it is nearly always an instant Flow
connection. Since we have similar interests and enjoy engaging them in depth, we
can discuss for hours on various topics and can inspire each other towards further
exploring our interests outside of being together. Our opinions, experiences and
preferences are not always exactly the same, but this poses interesting and comical
dialogue when we tend to disagree about something trivial such as if a certain
horror film were entertaining or not. In addition to this there have been times where
we have gone through upsetting life events, or had moments where we had to call
each other on our “shit”. These were difficult, yet significant, supports for the value
we carry for our connection.

Csikszentmihalyi stresses that if we have a tendency towards workaholism, or of
isolating ourselves from the world, we need to re-evaluate our energies to include
others more:

“Because interactions are so important for keeping consciousness in balance,
it is important to understand how they affect us, and to learn how to turn
them into positive rather than negative experiences. As with everything else,
one cannot enjoy relationships for free. We must expend a certain amount of
psychic energy to reap their benefits. If we do not, we risk finding ourselves
in the shoes of Sartre's character in No Fait who concluded that hell was
other people.”

While the first condition of successful interaction is to have similar goals and
interests, the second is to take psychic energy to invest in the interests and goals
of those we wish to relate deeper with. This takes conscious energy and efforts.
This is where we feel some reward for the relationship by investing in its future.
No doubt friends and family provide ongoing supports and stimulation for our
intellectual and emotional worlds, but Csikszentmihalyi insists that, even when we
are not around our friends, simply making effort to engage in a normal everyday
existence can be beneficial.

“Even a greeting such as "Have a nice day" reassures us that we exist
because other people notice us, and are concerned about our welfare.
Thus the fundamental function of even the most routine encounters is reality
maintenance, which is indispensable, lest consciousness disintegrate into
chaos.”

And for those who have some trouble engaging in initial conversation or how to
deepen a connection with an acquaintance, Csikszentmihalyi provides these
guidelines below:

“The secret of starting a good conversation is really quite simple. The first
step is to find out what the other person's goals are: What is he interested
in at the moment? What is she involved in? What has he or she accomplished,
or is trying to accomplish? If any of this sounds worth pursuing, the next step
is to utilize one's own experience or expertise on the topics raised by the
other person-without trying to take over the conversation, but developing it
jointly. A good conversation is like a jam session in jazz, where one starts with
conventional elements and then introduces spontaneous variations that create
an exciting new composition.”

I’m currently taking a free online Psychology course at Yale University via Coursera.org
called The Science of Well-Being. In it the Professor stresses the importance of the
application of research supported behaviours presented by various modern practicing
psychologists for establishing more wellness in one’s life on a day to day basis.
While I am only part way through the course, it is apparent thus far that
relationship is a key component to wellness and should not be ignored. This may
be a hard lesson to learn at times for someone who may struggle with depression
or anxiety, or who may simply be extremely introverted.

Be sure to nurture your closest relationships at least.

Some certain behaviours Yale’s Science of Well-Being also claim are beneficial for
well-being are Savouring & Gratefulness. These are behaviours I believe the
Autotelic Personality is really good at; a personality of which we will look at next.

In Chapter 8 Csikszentmihalyi  presents the concept of the Autotelic Personality,
indicating that some people are more likely to experience Flow. He describes it
thus:

"Autotelic" is a word composed of two Greek roots: auto (self), and telos
(goal). An autotelic activity is one we do for its own sake because to
experience it is the main goal...

Applied to personality, autotelic denotes an individual who generally does
things for their own sake, rather than in order to achieve some later
external goal...

An autotelic person needs few material possessions and little entertainment,
comfort, power, or fame because so much of what he or she does is already
rewarding...

They are more autonomous and independent, because they cannot be as
easily manipulated with threats or rewards from the outside. At the same
time, they are more involved with everything around them because they are
fully immersed in the current of life…

Autotelic persons are not necessarily happier, but they are involved in more
complex activities, and they feel better about themselves as a result...”

Does this sound like someone you know? Perhaps you feel that you may embody
some of this quality yourself and it may simply be a matter of tailoring your life
mindset and habits to achieve more Flow in your life.

My boyfriend tells me that I am just like my Nana. When I read this chapter I
instantly thought about her. She really lives her life on her own terms and
admirably constantly engages life with the wondrous joy and curiosity of a child.
Every time I see her she tells me at length the ecstatic moments she has
experienced whilst savouring her life recently. She fills her time with hobbies and
crafts that engage her skills and interests to the fullest. While she has not worked
for many years, she rarely has any malaise inclined to many who can no longer
fill their lives with paid work. She lives modestly financially and finds ways of
engaging her time and energy according to her own rhythms, feeling no doubt
that every moment is used to the maximum of its benefit and innate reward.

I can’t say that I am nearly as engaged as she seems to be, but I do see much of
this in myself. I think the realities of affording life weigh heavier on me without a
retirement plan or pension for security, but somehow one must accept one’s fate.
Which brings us to the next and last Chapter 9: Loving Our Fate, stay tuned for
PART 4.