A look at Finding Flow: The Psychology of Engaging with Everyday Life by Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi Part 3 RELATIONSHIPS & THE AUTOTELIC PERSONALITY

By Jennifer Boddaert

While Csikszentmihalyi’s statements are often somewhat uninspiring, let’s be
sure to take what we can from the knowledge this brilliant man has researched
to see what insights we may find to help realign our focus more consciously.
Deeper into Chapter 7 “Changing Life Patterns”, we are confronted with the
other reason people find meaning in life: via Relationship. Isn’t this topic more
fun than work?

“A group of people is kept together by two kinds of energy: material energy
provided by food, warmth, physical care, and money; and the psychic energy
of people investing attention in each other's goals. Unless parents and
children share ideas, emotions, activities, memories, and dreams, their
relationship will survive only because it satisfies material needs.”

So the key to continued friendship is often having similar goals or interests that
continue to inspire you. Csikszentmihalyi’s Flow also consists of having goals and
a certain level of challenge with your skills so that you feel motivated and may have
a potential reward by exerting them. In friendship, I imagine those friends who can
be honest with you (while respecting your feelings) are going to be friendships that
deepen; this would indicate how an “easy relationship” where there are never any
fights or disagreements is not always the most rewarding relationship.

I know with my best friend when we get together it is nearly always an instant Flow
connection. Since we have similar interests and enjoy engaging them in depth, we
can discuss for hours on various topics and can inspire each other towards further
exploring our interests outside of being together. Our opinions, experiences and
preferences are not always exactly the same, but this poses interesting and comical
dialogue when we tend to disagree about something trivial such as if a certain
horror film were entertaining or not. In addition to this there have been times where
we have gone through upsetting life events, or had moments where we had to call
each other on our “shit”. These were difficult, yet significant, supports for the value
we carry for our connection.

Csikszentmihalyi stresses that if we have a tendency towards workaholism, or of
isolating ourselves from the world, we need to re-evaluate our energies to include
others more:

“Because interactions are so important for keeping consciousness in balance,
it is important to understand how they affect us, and to learn how to turn
them into positive rather than negative experiences. As with everything else,
one cannot enjoy relationships for free. We must expend a certain amount of
psychic energy to reap their benefits. If we do not, we risk finding ourselves
in the shoes of Sartre's character in No Fait who concluded that hell was
other people.”

While the first condition of successful interaction is to have similar goals and
interests, the second is to take psychic energy to invest in the interests and goals
of those we wish to relate deeper with. This takes conscious energy and efforts.
This is where we feel some reward for the relationship by investing in its future.
No doubt friends and family provide ongoing supports and stimulation for our
intellectual and emotional worlds, but Csikszentmihalyi insists that, even when we
are not around our friends, simply making effort to engage in a normal everyday
existence can be beneficial.

“Even a greeting such as "Have a nice day" reassures us that we exist
because other people notice us, and are concerned about our welfare.
Thus the fundamental function of even the most routine encounters is reality
maintenance, which is indispensable, lest consciousness disintegrate into
chaos.”

And for those who have some trouble engaging in initial conversation or how to
deepen a connection with an acquaintance, Csikszentmihalyi provides these
guidelines below:

“The secret of starting a good conversation is really quite simple. The first
step is to find out what the other person's goals are: What is he interested
in at the moment? What is she involved in? What has he or she accomplished,
or is trying to accomplish? If any of this sounds worth pursuing, the next step
is to utilize one's own experience or expertise on the topics raised by the
other person-without trying to take over the conversation, but developing it
jointly. A good conversation is like a jam session in jazz, where one starts with
conventional elements and then introduces spontaneous variations that create
an exciting new composition.”

I’m currently taking a free online Psychology course at Yale University via Coursera.org
called The Science of Well-Being. In it the Professor stresses the importance of the
application of research supported behaviours presented by various modern practicing
psychologists for establishing more wellness in one’s life on a day to day basis.
While I am only part way through the course, it is apparent thus far that
relationship is a key component to wellness and should not be ignored. This may
be a hard lesson to learn at times for someone who may struggle with depression
or anxiety, or who may simply be extremely introverted.

Be sure to nurture your closest relationships at least.

Some certain behaviours Yale’s Science of Well-Being also claim are beneficial for
well-being are Savouring & Gratefulness. These are behaviours I believe the
Autotelic Personality is really good at; a personality of which we will look at next.

In Chapter 8 Csikszentmihalyi  presents the concept of the Autotelic Personality,
indicating that some people are more likely to experience Flow. He describes it
thus:

"Autotelic" is a word composed of two Greek roots: auto (self), and telos
(goal). An autotelic activity is one we do for its own sake because to
experience it is the main goal...

Applied to personality, autotelic denotes an individual who generally does
things for their own sake, rather than in order to achieve some later
external goal...

An autotelic person needs few material possessions and little entertainment,
comfort, power, or fame because so much of what he or she does is already
rewarding...

They are more autonomous and independent, because they cannot be as
easily manipulated with threats or rewards from the outside. At the same
time, they are more involved with everything around them because they are
fully immersed in the current of life…

Autotelic persons are not necessarily happier, but they are involved in more
complex activities, and they feel better about themselves as a result...”

Does this sound like someone you know? Perhaps you feel that you may embody
some of this quality yourself and it may simply be a matter of tailoring your life
mindset and habits to achieve more Flow in your life.

My boyfriend tells me that I am just like my Nana. When I read this chapter I
instantly thought about her. She really lives her life on her own terms and
admirably constantly engages life with the wondrous joy and curiosity of a child.
Every time I see her she tells me at length the ecstatic moments she has
experienced whilst savouring her life recently. She fills her time with hobbies and
crafts that engage her skills and interests to the fullest. While she has not worked
for many years, she rarely has any malaise inclined to many who can no longer
fill their lives with paid work. She lives modestly financially and finds ways of
engaging her time and energy according to her own rhythms, feeling no doubt
that every moment is used to the maximum of its benefit and innate reward.

I can’t say that I am nearly as engaged as she seems to be, but I do see much of
this in myself. I think the realities of affording life weigh heavier on me without a
retirement plan or pension for security, but somehow one must accept one’s fate.
Which brings us to the next and last Chapter 9: Loving Our Fate, stay tuned for
PART 4.